4115
22 Jul 14 at 5 pm

jesuisperdu:

Dear White People

official trailer HD; in theaters oct. 17

http://kaiguy87.tumblr.com

kaiguy87 for Instagram and twitter.

It has been one month since I smoked my last joint.

It’s one of my bad habits. I do stupid things when I’m stoned, unsafe things, things you shouldn’t do to yourself regularly because they’re mostly destructive. And once upon a time I smoked everyday because it helped me creatively; it elevated my brainstorming sessions into hurricanes. I found myself more inspired with my head high in the clouds then I ever would be sober, but there was always a catch: splitting headaches the morning after, complete uselessness, binge eating, and of course, the urge to pop onto Grindr and do things I’d regret later.

But I also smoked as a way to escape. It took me away from my failures and my anxieties, distracted me from the things I really needed to work on. I eventually realized afterwards that pot also made me care less — about myself, my well being, my work; I had less empathy for the people around me and I became bitter.

One of my greatest faults is that I am weak-willed. I give in easily and I give up more often than I should. Learning how to fight for yourself at twenty-seven is not easy.

***

I started this blog three years ago because I was getting braces. It was a big fucking deal at the time and I wanted to catalogue this period of critical self-change. I wanted an Ugly Betty series, a story that I could use to propel life into what was hopefully to become the best years of my life.

I was twenty-four at the time, an insecure, effeminate, gay, Chinese guy with an awkward body that I did not like. To some, I was a cute little hipster boy. But deep down, I never felt as cute or attractive as I wanted to be. Essentially, the problem I had with myself was that I wasn’t white. I wasn’t broad shouldered or tall. I didn’t have the large, masculine hands that I always found so fucking hot. I couldn’t grow a beard to save my life, and I didn’t have the soft, free flowing hair that moved in waves, or the strong nose or light eyes that I admired so deeply in the objects of my affection. I hated everything I was and wanted to be everything I wasn’t. 

Another tragic flaw to point out? Crippling insecurity. Combined with self-hatred, the combo is one fuck of an emotional cancer. It all fed my desire to inflict self-harm, which was (surprise, surprise) a way for me to numb the pain. There was also a line I could never bring myself to cross, but I have to admit, a part of me was always tempted. Even now, I still find myself with the urge to spiral out and hit rock bottom. A part of me wants to see myself fade away into nothingness, watch my life fall apart. But to what end? So that I could rebuild everything back up from the bottom? Lena Dunham my twenties away? A Million Little Pieces-style? There’s a truth that this is all because I don’t love myself enough, that it’s all due to my complete lack of self esteem. And there’s also a truth that this is just a suicidal mission into my own psyche in service of my art.

Both truths are selfish and reek of privilege, but if there is one truth I am sure of, it’s this: my life is ruled by fear. I let it dictate my choices on a daily basis. It is my crutch and my excuse, the key ingredient of the delusion I live in. I have been constructing a life around lies, pretending nothing is wrong when so much is. My world has become unstable, and it’s time for a change.

It makes me sad to think about these past few years. My heart grows heavy when I look back on the years lost to depression, to feeling lonely, with so much energy wasted on hating myself because of this one thing I cannot change. And this “conclusion” is not meant to signify my emotional remission; I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish I were someone else. But it’s a step, a movement towards the right direction, the closing of one door and the opening of another. I sometimes wonder if my desire for men (specifically white men) is actually just a poorly manifested desire to be like them, as opposed to with them. To be anything or anyone but myself. 

Who knows? 

Perhaps the time for such thinking is done. 

Perhaps I should just focus on being for a while, take what I’ve learned and run with it:

1. I am weak willed, and I need a backbone. I am not worthless. 

2. My life is a product of fear. I need it to be a product of courage, and nothing else. Fortune favours the brave, right?

3. Everything I believe in is subject to change. Nothing is certain. Do not let this be an excuse

4. Love cannot save you from yourself. Love is not a magic potion. It is a state of being that requires a continuous stream of courage, strength, and determination. It is, and always will be, a work in progress.

5. You are alone, always and forever. People will help you. They will come and go. But you must never forget how to pick yourself up when no one else is around. This is your saving grace. 

***

There comes a point where you have to stop talking about your feelings, your thoughts, your anxieties, and just move on. Stop being a little bitch. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Look back on all that has happened, pull out what you have learned, and come to your conclusions. The world will not stop for you. Be ruthless. Find the balance you need to sustain the best version of yourself.

This isn’t the end. Maybe I’ll start a new blog, somewhere else. Maybe I’ll see you there, maybe I won’t. If not, thank you for your love. 

I wish you all the best. 

Sincerely,

Kai.

 6
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

Julia Child (via ansil)

"Usually one’s cooking is better than one thinks it is."

 13
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

A Visit From the Goon Squad, Jennifer Egan (via cousinmaeby)

(Source: mouthbats)

"Everyone laughs and you feel like a funny guy for maybe half a second, until it occurs to you that they probably only laughed because they could see you were trying to be funny, and they’re afraid you’ll jump out the window onto East Seventh Street if you fail, even at something so small."

 196582
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

uglypnis:

left-nut:

good music & good friends by Savannah Hieronymus on Flickr.

I think this will be my first post to hit 100k

uglypnis:

left-nut:

good music & good friends by Savannah Hieronymus on Flickr.

I think this will be my first post to hit 100k
 7153
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

Daniell Koepke   (via thatkindofwoman)

(Source: internal-acceptance-movement, via boniverotic)

"Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy. They make you human. We all have needs. And those hungers aren’t something we should feel ashamed of. They’re normal, we didn’t get enough of them as children hungers. Affections we’ve been deprived of by the people who are supposed to care for us. Connections we needed to feel whole and spaces we needed to feel safe. Cravings we’ve been taught we didn’t deserve. Appetites we’ve learned to suppress and fill with guilt. Again and again we’ve neglected our needs because we’ve been taught that they were too much— that we were too much. But we don’t have to any longer. You don’t have to. Whether you need support, alone time, affection, connection, validation, or reassurance that you are loved — it is more than okay to ask for what you need. Making your needs known isn’t about being demanding or selfish. It’s about self-care. It’s about creating a safer space for yourself. It’s about using your voice and speaking your truth. It’s about giving yourself permission to take up space. It’s about listening to your hungers and honoring them. It’s about honoring yourself."

nevver:

Chuck Palahniuk
 36527
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

E.E. Cummings (via chazkeats)

(Source: wordsthat-speak, via chazkeats)

"

A bouquet of clumsy words: you know that place between sleep and awake where you’re still dreaming but it’s slowly slipping? I wish we could feel like that more often. I also wish I could click my fingers three times and be transported to anywhere I like. I wish that people didn’t always say ‘just wondering’ when you both know there was a real reason behind them asking. And I wish I could get lost in the stars.

Listen, there’s a hell of a good universe next door, let’s go.

"

 1467
20 Apr 14 at 10 pm

Michel Houellebecq, Whatever (via larmoyante)

"An entire life spent reading would have fulfilled my every desire; I already knew that at the age of seven. The texture of the world is painful, inadequate; unalterable, or so it seems to me. Really, I believe that an entire life spent reading would have suited me best.
Such a life has not been granted me."

 33871
20 Apr 14 at 3 pm

Roger Zelazny - The Courts of Chaos (via loveyourchaos)

(Source: victorielle, via ofmyreverberations)

"I saw my earlier selves as different people, acquaintances I had outgrown. I wondered how I could ever have been some of them."

 18623
20 Apr 14 at 3 pm

Rachel Whitehurst (via tiredestprincess)

(Source: feellng, via seashelleyesandwindysmile)

"Dump the toxic people out of your life. Get them gone. Kick them to the curb. Stop maintaining relationships with people that make you feel guilty about things that you like, that make you feel shitty about yourself, that put you down, that don’t fucking support you, that are mean. You just get those people and shove them out of your life. Delete them off of Facebook, break it down easily. Just kind of fizzle out with the contact. Let it be like almost as if it might be growing apart. Just get rid of those people, because instead of just maintaining these “relationships” with people for the sake of just being polite or civil, you can be civil without having people that you can’t stand in your life and you’ll be so much happier. You need to stop maintaining relationships with toxic people because it’s just not good for you and it’s not worth any of your time."

 928
20 Apr 14 at 3 pm

Green, John. The Fault in Our Stars. (via wordsnquotes)

"…You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers."

"

I stopped telling myself that I’m lost.

I’m not.

I’m on a road with no destination, I’m just driving with hope that I’ll find a place that I like and I’ll stay there.

I’m not lost, I’m on my way.

"