em(BRACE)

Some of the more embarrassing teenage cliches that I thought I had missed?

Yeah, not so much.

My father walked in on me and the boy all up in each others grill.

we’re sitting side by side on a bench beside the windowsill where dust has gathered over the past year.

it is our first time back up in this cottage to the north, where the sliding glass doors point us to the stars that will forever shine brilliantly until we leave.

when we pick up our cups from the ledge, we leave two clean rings. his silliness motivates him to leave two big dots in the center of each. i smile, giggle, and remind him to unpack the washcloths i had brought up. 

we are here to spring clean the space we bought together. our first economic collaboration as a wedded couple.

before our home in the city, we decided to secure our home out there. away from it all, we can listen to each other speak through the trees, beneath the rippling of the lake water and against the cool wind in the evenings. 

he winds his fingers in mine, our own rings touching. metal against metal, a symbol of years to come, to bind, to honor, to love. 

afternoons like this are gifts enough, to reward us for the people that we have become.

against all odds. against his parents, and my faith. 

we live. 

I am sitting here with big crazy bed-head, in my “Ho Ho Ho” boxers.

It’s laundry day. 

I fell asleep watching “Away We Go” with John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph last night. I do love the movie, it’s quite beautiful. However, as my friend Mark pointed out, John Krasinski’s character is just way too perfect. Despite this, the film leaves me feeling something… I don’t know if it’s an emptiness, or nostalgia for something that I’ve never had, but watching these two characters trying to get it together and raise their kid is just so admirable.

I’ve always wanted to have kids, but there was this moment in bed, while I was watching the film and I began to cry without realizing it. It hit me that I won’t ever be able to have that—a child that is both a part me and my partner. And I don’t know if this is a paternal instinct or social programming or whatever, but I just got so sad over this single fact. What scares me most though is that this feeling is still with me this morning.

I’m going to have to work so hard for any semblance of “normal”, but at the same time I despise the entire concept of “normal” because if you can’t attain it, you fail. I mean, that is such a destructive concept. 

And such contradictions in my head…

I guess this is stuff to think about in the future, if that time comes.

Love you all.

Kai