What’s been up in my life?

So ya’ll remember LV from a while back?

Well it turns out that we’re both really bad at reading each other. Either that or we’re both just really bad at giving signals or vocalizing our interest because we’re both really awkward at the end of our dates (two so far). So we’re going to watch a movie tomorrow night and I’ll update you all Friday and tell you how that goes.

I really have no idea where this is going; we’ve had fun so far and he’s super cute, but at what point of dating do you start talking about the important stuff? Like what you want to do with your life, and things like politics? What if he’s not political? What are my dealbreakers? How do you decide if someone is worth the time to continue these really time-consuming commitments? Ugh, now I know why all my friends kept on telling me: “dating is overrated.”

As for romance-y stuff, that’s all I’ve got for you. No other dates on the horizon…but:

27 more days till social suicide!

And I still haven’t figured out if I want clear or regular braces.

Will it be a huge difference? Well you’ll all just have to wait and see. Once I get them, I will post a picture of me with braces on this blog, at which point, the terrifying image of me with braces will require me to label this blog as NSFW.

But wait! There’s more!

Something that did brighten me up lately was a message I got from a friend named Jason. I’ve been very apprehensive about this decision to go all metal mouth. I’ve spoken to a lot of friends about the issue and since most of them went through braces when they were younger, they were all for it. However, earlier on in my decision process I mentioned to my friend Mark that I was pretty close to getting braces. He first brought up the fact that the next few years of my life were going to be my “sexual peak” period. And so I asked myself: Would braces hinder the potential for romance and sex? Would this social symbol of “teenage”-ness have a greater affect on my life than I had initially anticipated? 

He sensed my uneasiness and went on to mention that he in fact never really noticed my teeth in the first place.

And of course, my reaction to that was: “Where the fuck have you been?” (in my head).

How could he have not? It was the first thing I noticed when I looked in the mirror every morning. I always smile with my mouth closed because I am so vividly aware of my teeth. And to be honest, I usually try not to smile at all. It’s been noted as a fact by many waiters, friends and strangers. In fact, on my 24th birthday, my 9-year-old cousin Richard, who so kindly brought me a strawberry-rhubarb pie to celebrate, asked me:

“Kai goh-goh (that means brother. loosely translated), why don’t you smile?”

I. Was. Stunned.

I had no idea how to answer that. I also had no idea how to answer his brother Ryan, when 4 years ago he asked said to me: “Kai goh-goh, you have a lot of pimples. You don’t drink enough water.”

And so, this 9-year-old boy and his keen observation skills ended up being the push that I needed to move forward with my decision. 

On the day I made the appointment, I spent a large amount of time staring at myself in the mirror trying to figure out how braces were going to affect the look of my face. Something I noticed while I was examining myself was the way in which my cheeks fall. I looked closely at my face in an attempt to figure out where the wrinkles would eventually fall and why. My cheeks, which are sort of pudgy, slope down to the sides of my mouth. The lines that form, I discovered, are directly related to the way I frown. The lines don’t bend to make a dimple; they veer in a straight lines past the sides of my mouth, following the direction of a frowning pair of lips. 

And this is what happens when you don’t smile. Your face molds into a permanent state of BITCH. 

Scary. 

Hopefully, this is all going to change. Or else I’ll do surgery. 

But back to my friend Jason. 

One morning he sent me a message, congratulating me on my decision to get braces and he also told me a bit about his experience with braces and how he felt afterwards. It was exactly what I needed to hear that morning. It was exactly how I wanted to start my day. 

My best friend Trish also mentioned how she was happy for me that I was getting braces, and that a good smile would really help to boost my confidence. I’ve also had a lot of well wishes from various people (including a special friend from Spain), and I realize now that the next few years are going to be all about me over coming my insecurities, head on. I’ve had such huge problems with my ego and my sense of self worth (maybe I’ll get into all that stuff one day), and I know for a fact that it’s going to be difficult and mentally exhausting. But if there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching my friends grow, is that at some point in your life, if you really want to succeed you’re going to have to challenge the way you usually see yourself and really try to break that self-effacing illusion you’re so used to and recognize the beautiful, intelligent and loving individual that you are.

Deep down. 

Unless you’re a racist, homophobic asshole. And then you’ll just never be pretty.